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A roundup of news on sporting events, people and places in Southeast Michigan by columnist Jim Evans.

Friday, July 29, 2011

No (Detroit) lyin, I love NFL football

                              Can Matt Stafford and the Detroit Lions scramble to a winning season?

I’m not the most productive guy around the house anyway.
There’s a light fixture above the sink that needs replacing.
It’s a pretty simple job, really. Shut off the electricity. Unscrew the bum fixture, screw in the new fixture.
But you would think I was painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.
The light malfunctioned about six months ago. It is still malfunctioning.
So if there is anyone who is unhappy about the resolution of the NFL labor situation, it is my wife.
You see, if there is any day when I get anything done around the house, it is Sunday.
After church comes chores.
Mow the grass. Trim the hedges. Build an ark. Construct a cyclotron. You know, the usual stuff.
But Sundays are almost out of the equation. My wife knows that.
Are you ready for some football? Darn right, Hank Jr.
Coach Jim Schwartz and the Lions open on the road against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers on Sunday, September 11. The kickoff is 1 p.m., and the game will be televised by FOX.
Quarterback Matt Stafford will be taking the snaps. He’ll be flinging the ball to the likes of Calvin Johnson and Nate Burleson. Defensively, Ndamukong Suh and Nick Fairley will be among those on the line snorting and sputtering and trying to tear into Tampa Bay quarterback Josh Freeman.
There is absolutely nothing better than residing on the couch for an entire day of NFL football. Here’s my typical blueprint: Make a couple of sandwiches. Strategically place a two-liter bottle of Mountain Dew nearby on the floor. Yank on a pair of Depends. Insert the catheter. I don’t want to miss anything.
Watch the pre-game shows. Listen to the wisdom of Plato, Socrates, Howie and Terry. Wait for the kickoff for the 1 p.m. game. Stay prone for three consecutive hours.
Once that game ends, hop up and sprint to the kitchen. Whip up some nachos. Grab some more Mountain Dew. Empty the catheter bag. Slip on some fresh Depends. Get ready for the kickoff of the 4 o’clock game. Once again, stay prone for its duration. Turn over once or twice to prevent bed sores.
That game is usually over about 7 or so. Then it is time for some obligatory family time. Ask the kids how school is going. Ask the wife how work is going. Thank her for making pot roast and mashed potatoes. Take the dogs for a quick walk. Pat the cats on the top of the head.
The couch beckons again. Sunday Night Football might just be the most important invention since Salk’s polio vaccine and Twinkies.
My dietary requirements for a nighttime game are different. I usually go with popcorn, Doritos, Twizzlers and Hot Tamales. Did I mention another two liters of Mountain Dew?
The game ends after 11 usually. After that, I’ll watch the news and then turn on TMZ. Honestly, I am usually exhausted by that point. It takes a lot of dedication to remain semi-comatose on the couch for 12 straight hours or so.
Many said it could not be done. I am living, heavily breathing, proof that indeed it can. Live Strong says my Lance Armstrong bracelet. I’m trying my best, Lance.
And don’t worry, dear, I’ll get to that light fixture when I have time. Until then, be careful around the sink. Don’t stub your toe in the darkness.
Are you ready for some football?
Somewhere, I hear my wife dial 1-800-CALL-SAM. Do the Bernsteins handle divorces, too


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